Celebrating Anela

I have had a Michael Jackson song running through my head all day long. The lyrics that I keep singing and even want to shout sometimes are, "Do you remember when we fell in love? Do you remember when we first met?" I have been thinking about these lyrics in regards to the sweetest little girl that entered our family a little over two weeks ago.  Honestly, I didn't fall in love with Anela until I saw and then held her for the first time. It was something that I wanted to happen for my entire pregnancy but I couldn't because of the unknown. I discovered that I let my fear of the unknown prevent me from experiencing a lot of emotions during pregnancy, especially happiness. So let me give you a rundown of things that I remember.

• I remember how excited I was for my 18 week ultrasound. I thought that perhaps we wanted the gender of our child to be a surprise but as it got closer I couldn't handle not knowing. During the anatomy scan, I watched the ultrasound tech's facial expressions, and I knew that something was wrong. She kept making a weird face and saying things like, "She isn't letting me get a good look at her heart" or "She has a little nose". I wasn't certain but I got the feeling that she was more concerned than she should have been.
• I remember looking at Sterling and seeing the worry in his eyes and being grateful that I had him by side at that appointment and forever.
• I remember the way in which Dr. Boehm delivered the news and even though it was hard, oddly enough it was also comforting.
• I remember hearing things like "heart defect", "clarifications" and "hypoplastic nasal bone". It was a lot of information to take in but I wasn't sad (at least not at that moment).
• I remember how hard it was to wait for the next two week so that we could get the results of the genetic testing.
• I remember getting the results of the genetic testing and breaking down crying. I wondered how I would bond with her? What would her life be like? How could Sterling and I be the parents of two children with disabilities? Why us?
• I remember calling our families to tell them the news and crying more. I didn't cry because I was sad or ashamed, I cried because I didn't know what to expect. We are so blessed to have supportive/loving families that will love Anela no matter what!
• I remember how overwhelming it was to read about her diagnosis and try to imagine what our future would be like. I cried myself to sleep more often than not and still wondered if I would love her the same or even as much as I love Makaio and Kekoa.
• I remember thinking about whether or not people would tell me that I had a beautiful baby. I wondered about a million vain and selfish things because all I had was a diagnosis and not an actual baby.
• I remember seeing her on ultrasound and thinking she looked like our family but wondering if that was just what I wanted to see because it made things easier (in my head).
• I remember crying some more and being sad that this was our story and not just someone else's.

Then my water broke and we were headed to the hospital about to meet our little girl for the first time.

• I remember getting prepped for the c-section and praying that somehow I would fall in love once she was brought around the curtain.
• I remember laying on the operating table and being nervous that I wouldn't be able to bond with her once I saw her.
• I remember the anesthesiologist giving me a play by play of the c-section and hoping that he would just say that I had a beautiful baby girl. He ended up saying just those words and I knew that he genuinely meant it.
• I remember that after Sterling saw her for the first time and came back around the curtain that I could tell by his facial expression that the prenatal diagnosis was true.
• I remember wondering if Sterling felt like he loved her and wanting him to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
• I remember hearing one of the nurse's ask if I wanted to see her and then bringing her over to me and slowly turning her toward me. It was evident that she had Down syndrome but I instantly fell in love with her. I shed a few tears and as those tears fell so did my fears. She was beautiful. She was our baby. She was perfect.
• I remember going to the NICU to see her for the first time. I saw her across the room. Everything changed to slow motion. As I walked toward her I knew that she was everything that I wanted her to be and more importantly she was everything that our family needed her to be.
• I remember sobbing as I held her for the first and knowing that I loved another human more than I ever thought possible. I am so in love with Anela and I can't imagine my life without her. 

So in response to Michael's questions...I do remember when I fell in love with her and I do remember when we first met. It all happened on March 06, 2013 around 8:00 pm. She won my heart when I first laid eyes on her and I fall in love with her more and more every day! 

What I remember today is that having Anela in our family will make us all better people.

Today is World Down Syndrome Day and I am so grateful for yet another reason to celebrate our sweet baby girl!